The industrious Athena of Chiswick, patron goddess of heroic endeavour, called upon the heroes of West London for two epic missions in the far reaches of Hounslow on a Sunday morning. Hermes, the cunning god of adventurous missions, answered the call and ran swiftly between Ealing and Hanworth, aided by his winged sandals. Artemis, the wild goddess of the hunt, accompanied him, having transformed herself into a deer to keep up. Together, they ran 10 km and met Athena in Hanworth, where she briefed them on their two missions.

The first adventure required the three to enter Ms L’s back garden, which was in a state resembling the Augean stables: overgrown, littered with rubble and pieces of a greenhouse, with the occasional pile of cat poo lying around. There was even the mostly decomposed carcass of a small bird, which Artemis carefully packed into a black bag, while Hermes escorted the soul of the deceased creature to the afterlife.

Hermes and Artemis ventured deep into the green yonder, cutting through brambles and vines, while Athena cleverly chopped the trimmings into smaller pieces so they could all fit into two brown wheelie bins. From time to time, Artemis would even jump into a bin to compress the cuttings and make room for more green waste. The Trojans would surely have approved.

The three Olympians soon realised that they had encroached upon the domain of another god: Dionysus. An abundance of grapevines hung from the garden wall, and among them they discovered one surviving bunch of grapes. Ms L explained that they were terribly sour and suitable only for winemaking. Athena, Artemis and Hermes therefore decided to cut back all the grapevines, preventing any ritual madness from taking place in the garden and, hopefully, stopping the mess from returning.