Treesy does it

Excellent run report by John

Excellent photos by Beth

Do you like air? Plant a tree.

There is now a tree overlooking the playground in Blythe Hill Fields called Gym. S/he is a gender fluid beech tree and was planted by Goodgym runners during this week’s mission.

Gym joins at least 8 other trees (including Sandy, another gender-fluid beech tree) that have been freshly planted by members of the community, friends of Blythe Hill Fields, and Goodgym runners as part of the latest cohort. They will provide shade for picnickers, homes for birds, and work for worms. They will also add to the 21% of London that is covered in tree canopy.

Have you ever wondered how to plant a tree? It’s probably easy, you’re thinking. Probably a walk in the park. A doddle. A bludge. A cinch.

Well it is not easy. It is not even treesy. There are many steps, some of which are as hard as the stone-riddled clay you will have to excavate, which we shall go through for you now:

1 - Listen to Zaria’s briefing. She knows much about trees and has planted many previous cohorts over the last few years in Blythe Hill.

2 - Forget Zaria’s briefing. All of it. Ask for piece of paper containing briefing.

3a - Try and carry your tree to a place in the park where you want your tree to then live. The tree is too heavy. You cannot carry the tree. Scrape and/or bash the clay that surrounds its roots with a trowel until you are able to lift, not drag, the tree to the other side of the park.

3b - 60 secs recovery.

4 - Wonder what the difference between a spade and a shovel is. Pick up the wrong one. Let the gardening professional who points this out find it amusing, then dig REALLY HARD with whichever one you have already picked up to prove that there is no difference.

5 - There is a difference. Put the spade/shovel down and pick up the shovel/spade. Dig again. Still hard, but more credible now.

6 - Dig a 1 metre square deep enough for your tree’s roots. Are you sure your square is a square? That looks like an oblong. Never mind, the tree will probably not die just because your square is wrong.

7a - You did remember to divide the turf up into a grid and dig it out at a depth of about 10cm didn’t you? You didn’t?? Ok, nobody needs to know about this, just go through the clumpy turf/clay/aggregate piles with a trowel and comb out all the rocks until you have two separate piles. This should only take 30 minutes or so for the experienced comber.

7b - 60 secs recovery / drink water.

8 - Overhear 4-year-old Rosie shouting YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, WORM! and wonder whether it was directed at you. Dig faster. (Apparently she was talking to a worm that had just been permanently re-homed by the planting process.)

9a - By the time your hole is deep enough for you to both want and manage to have a little lie down in it, your tree is ready to be seated. Pop it gently in the hole.

9b - Marvel at your tree in its hole.

10 - THIS TREE REPRESENTS LIFE. HOW DOES NATURE WORK? WHERE DID WE ALL COME FROM?? WHY ANYTHING??

11 - Put a little hose/tube thing in the hole snuggled around the tree with its end poking out of the ground so water can get more directly to the roots.

12 - Wheelbarrow three loads’ worth of compost from the compost heap to the tree hole. Tip the compost in.

13 - You have put the stakes in, haven’t you? You haven’t?? Ok, nobody needs to know about this, just dig with your bare hands little wells large enough for the stakes to go in either side, and then find a strapping human being who can carry, let alone use, the pile-driver.

14 - Marvel again as the strong person SMASHES THE PILE DRIVER REPEATEDLY into the stakes that will hold your tree steady in its infancy. Use this also for 60 secs recovery.

15 - Put the ‘turf’ you dug out earlier on top of the compost and around the piles. Put it in upside down. Or should it be the right way up? Over the other side of the Field, three people are having an argument about this. You don’t want to get involved. Just put the turf down and push it with your foot so nobody can tell which way up it is.

16 - Secure your little tree to the stakes with some s&m-looking rubber straps. The same three people on the other side of the park are now arguing about how to do this. You still don’t want to get involved. Just tie it up so you’re not hurting it, and hope that this is correct.

17 - You did plant your tree with its dominant side facing north, didn’t you? You didn’t?? Well it is literally too late now anyway, and your tree will probably be fine because it’s phototropic and will sort itself out over the next 30 years provided it lives that long.

18 - Eat a sandwich, provided by Zaria. Remember how good cheese and pickle is.

19 - You have now eaten a sandwich and there is a tree in the ground that you have made happen. This tree could outlive you. Feel humble and overwhelmed. Or is it indigestion? How many sandwiches did you just eat?

20 - Drink some water. The process is complete.